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03:26pm 19/08/2005
mood: tired
My dog just left me because I wouldn't feed him any more treats...is that how it's going to be then?
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10:13pm 08/08/2005
mood: happy
yeah so last night i went to vince's...ugh, i'm such a sucker for things like being whispered t'es belle in my ear...for those of you who don't speak a word of french it means you're pretty.

which is so lame lol but cute. and it's been a while since i've been with a guy who knows what hes doing and knows exactly how to pay attention to all the right spots. it just felt really good.

he's such a sweetheart too but i do'nt know what my doubts are, i read my horoscope last night and it said that meetings with a certain someone would leave a smile on my face but wouldn't go any further than that. i know it's stupid to believe in things like that but i can't help feeling that maybe it's right. and on friday alex told me he was so happy to see me happy for a change...which was so nice and it does feel awesome to feel like this but i guess i'm afraid it's just super temporary. anyways on another note...
my sister's best friend left this weekend...she's a wreck (my sister) she spent the whole night crying and i'm sure the whole day too. i haven't seen her much because she pretty much keeps to herself and locks herself in her room. wtvr i guess she just needs time.
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04:32pm 06/08/2005
  LOL i'm so stupid, i hate looking back on my journal entries i feel so dumb.
anyways, ya obviously nothing can happen with the guy in Mexico, well because he lives in mexico, and he's starting to get on my nerves. poor dude though he got in a car accident and broke his arm in three different places.

yeah so last week ws my birthday (finally hallelujah)it's such a relief to be able to walk into a bar and not worry about getting in trouble or getting carded or whatever, it's great. and i can just walk into the dep and buy whatever i want...i'm loving it. i've been going out a lot more lately because of it, this thursday went to annies of course and kevin was trying to convince me that vince liked me which i thought was total bullshit cuz whatever happened between us ws like 4 years ago. but then he started putting the moves on me...he's smooth too about it, i didn't even notice at first. so wtvr we made out good night and then i went to his house last night cuz he was having a huge party and that was fun too. he's sooo french. but it's ok i love it anyways lol. and such a goddam good kisser mmm.
french kisser
ok that's enough

i'm so giddy though because of him, i feel like i'm 17 all over again hehe.
lil's best friend is moving today, to california, i feel bad for her but it'll probably be a nice change to start hanging out with other people.

anyways thats about it, peace and love
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10:00pm 19/07/2005
  back from mexico

met a guy

i actually like him though instead of just wanning to screw him which i guess is a good thing (i guess)
and he likes me too. woo hoo. we've been talking and he sends me messages on my phone which im sure is costing me a fortune( or my dad, who cares?) he wants to try something
hiis mom lives in toronto so it might work he could come visit
and whenever i go to playa he'll come down from mexico city
which is awesome

i dunno if it's worth it though, i'm sure i like him but is it worth the whole long distance stress? i keep thinking of lil and lombardo and how tough it mustve been for her to uphold a relationship with someone who lives like 3000 miles away. though Jose lives closer.
God i feel like such a cliche...i like a guy names Jose haha
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09:44pm 08/07/2005
  still in Mexico, <i think I want to com home but when I think about it hard i think i want to stay also. i dunno. anyways yesterday lil called laura ffrom here on our cell, i had no one to call how nice eh. anyeways not much to update about, see ya  
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03:19pm 04/07/2005
  wow so still in Mexico, ím in a net cafe and theres this fucking truck outside making the most annoying noise, its like a constant grunt slash growl( sorry cannot find the slash key lol)it rained all day today and finally its stopped but its still shitty and cloudy outside..oh well its no big deal cuz its bewen fucking hot for a while now. so becuz of the rain its been pretty impossible to do anything and as soon as it stopped we pretty much ran to the net place. we dunno whats going on tonight, happy 4th of jly everyong even tho im so not american...doesnt mean i cant celebrate like everyone else rightç
alex says he still wants to be my friend even though he has a girlfriend and im like ok guy inever said we couldnt be friends lol, hes a cool guy just an asshole most of the times i guess. wtvr good for him. still havent seen juan in a long time but maybe tonight if the places are busy i guess ill see him around. anyways not much else to say except i think ive gone deaf....
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05:52pm 02/07/2005
  ya so havent updated in forever because im in fucking Mexico lol. obviously not going to spend my time in an air conditioned computer cafe if i can be outside sweating my ass off. things are good, isaacs probably getting married and we are meeting his gf tonight and well Alex is also thinking of tying the knot with his girlfriend so im happy for him. he surprised me by practically attacking me on the street and it was realy good to see him again though i gotta say i do miss him at times. whatever i saw juan last night which was awesome, he said i looked different though and he didnt recognize me at first but he walked lil and me home last night so thats cool and i didnt realize how much i missed him until i saw him last night and he was exactly that same as i remember him from 4 months ago. i got an email from renee telling me about how she celebrated her birthday and i know that before i left her and co were talking about celebrating it together but she didnt even mention her, its the same exact thing as last summer when she totally ditched us for all her camp friends and then came running back when the summer was over. and its worse this year because shes leavin to kingston at the end of the summer so we probably are never going to see her. wtvr its her funeral.  
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11:38pm 20/06/2005
mood: horny
I miss having a boyfriend even though I always tell myself I don't need a guy to feel good.

Apparently I do because I miss fucking...and all that stuff that goes along with it...maybe I just miss being held?
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05:53pm 19/06/2005
mood: content
It's so good to finally do stuff. Went to La Ronde on Thursday and it was awesome cause there were no line ups at all. Tomorrow I should be going to the beach which I'm pretty excited for and then Tuesday is Lil's grad. And then next weekend I'm off to Mexico (thank the Lord.) Tomorrow I also have to make my schedule for school and I'll be really pissed if I get stuck in shitty classes again. I guess we'll just have to wait and see but I'm gonna try my hardest not to get really crappy teachers.
I finished A Prayer for Owen Meaney by John Irving and I actually really liked it despite its length. Except that I found Owen to be a little arrogant but I suppose that was because he believed he was God's instrument and all. Imagine your parents telling you you were born of a virgin birth?! I can't blame him.
Anyways not much else to update on so I'm off.
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12:10am 18/06/2005
mood: thirsty
It hurts to think that her friends are more sisters to her than I will probably ever be for her.

And that my parents only want me to make money when I'm older, what happened to "we just want you to be happy"?
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what to do?   
08:28pm 14/06/2005
mood: lonely
Isn't it the most frustrating, the most sickening feeling to know you have friends and family who care about you and yet still feel totally lonely? I never know what to do with myself because I feel as though I'm acting selfishly by thinking that. Oh well...what to do?
Renée came home last night and called me this afternoon...it was a nice surprise and hopefully we can get together sometime this week seeing as how I haven't seen her in practically a month.
I'm kinda getting worried about MExico cuz I feel like Lil's never going to want to hang out with me and I love that girl to death but sometimes I feel like she's totally in another world and I will never ever be able to get to her. She calls me her best friend and yet I somehow can't get over the feeling that she says that only because she feels she has to.
I want to have an awesome time with her there but I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens. Her prom is next week and I'm so excited for her, I hope she has a great time like I did last year. Hopefully (looking at my past entries lol) she won't make the same mistake I did.
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soo bored...   
05:01pm 13/06/2005
mood: bored
These days are passing so slowly and there's nothing I can do about it. I keep looking at the webcam looking over the beach in Mexico where I'm going in 2 weeks...it looks absolutely stunning as always.
Haven't been up to much today, took my dog to the park with my sister and we talked about whether or not we'd ever try 'shrooms. I think I would if I could put the fact that they're grown in shit out of my mind. Maybe I'll feed some to the dog while I'm at it...haha yeah right.
I was watching Oprah (I'm so bored I've stooped to the level of watching day-time TV) and they were talking about child molesters. IT's such a sad subject and it kind of boggles the mind how people could ever even think of doing that to the one of the main symbols of innocence. Speaking of child molestation, Michael Jackson's trial is supposed to end today...honestly I couldn't care less what happens to the man, it's just turned into a huge joke by now.
I suppose I should end here and do something a little more productive but I'll update later if anything interesting happens (yeah in my dreams ;) ).
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05:27pm 12/06/2005
  Wow...haven't written in here for nearly a year. I guess I was always kind of scared of what I'd find when I re-read past entries and the memories that would all come rushing back but like I said, it's been a year and it's time to gt over all that. I guess I can't really say so much has happened because it hasn't haha but at least I'm living happy. Going to MExico in 2 weeks...I don't know why I'm not excited yet but I probably will be the moment I step onto the plane.
I'm so glad school is out, it's as though all that work and stress of not passing made me forgot what it felt like to relax and not have to worry about what is due tomorrow. It feels like I'm going back to school in a few weeks but nope...I have all the time I need to make the best out of my summer. I went for breakfast with Co this morning...God I miss her...and we talked about all the stuff we should do. Definitely go to La Ronde and the waterslides, and I want to go camping also.
Once I get back from my vacation within a vacation, I want to make it a weekly ritual to go to some bar once a week with her and Renée seeing as how by then, we'll all be 18. I can't wait for that age to just get here...a fucking month and a half is all it takes. I think i can wait..
Since I don't have a job and I'm fucking lazy during the week, I made myself a summer reading list like the ones we used to get in elementary school. I don't care what anyone says, I enjoy my summer reading very much and I will stick with it. Right now I'm onto a novel called Catch-22...I don't really know how to take this book...do I go with the flos or look for some kind of meaning cause it's really somewhat strange. However it does keep me laughing so I suppose I can't complain too much.
I'm glad that I can write in here again...keeps me sane and anyways I type so much faster than I can write.
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09:15pm 08/10/2004
mood: lonely
Today I heard a story of a girl who drowned trying to rescue her boyfriend. I felt like I should keep this story to myself

Today would have been our 2 months,

I hate thinking that I'm over you and then being overwhelmed with the feeling of knowing that I'm so not.

Because I really am not over you, I miss you and I'd probably do anything just to hug you one more time, I hate feeling like this. I wish you and I had never existed so that I would never have to suffer...I wonder if you thought about me today, did you realize we would have been going out for two months?

I know it's not that long but long enough for me to know how I felt about you...you on the other hand will never know how I felt. It wouldn't make a difference anyways would it?
It hurts to know I'll probably never see you again...what hurts the most is that I'll never share that feeling with you again.

Maybe I will with someone else, but not you.

Today is when I miss you the most.
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10:13pm 27/09/2004
mood: rejected
have you ever met the person you were convinced was created for you? this person would be perfect in every way, and in your eyes, nothing could make this person be bad for you...until they didn't feel the same.

Why George, did you lie to me and pretend when you knew how I felt? Loves not something gradual you eventually fall into, it happens almost instantaneously and you know it's going to be like that for a long time...and that's what happened to me but you completely ignored that.

The first time i was devastated...and the second time I was just mad at you. So mad at you for making fake promises and making me think you were someone you're not. You're not the perfect George I thought you were, you weren't the George who came to see me late at night just cuz you wanted to...that George would've liked me enough to try, but you don't.

And no this isn't the best for me...or for you, and no I won't be happier with someone else even if i can see them every fucking day...

I need to know that you at least had some sort of feelings for me, if not I need to know why you did this to me, and to yourself.

You know, I try to keep myself busy and it works, I don't think of you for hours on end...But as soon as i'm home and i'm by myself i just can't stop thinking of you and everything we did and everything i see or hear or smell reminds me of you and i hate you for that.

I"m working alot this week, just to stop myself from letting my thoughts drift...I can't help thinking that my phone will ring, or that you'll pull into my drive way, or that you'll just somehow let me know you're sorry and that you feel the same. But the harsh reality is that i know that definitely won't happen and i don't expect anything ffrom you...i shouldn't after what youve done to me.

I thought you were perfect, and you promised never to make me feel like this again and that's all you can do...is make me feel like this. I didn't mean to feel this way, and I'm sorry to you and to myself for letting this happen.
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08:48pm 15/09/2004
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06:07pm 26/08/2004
  I feel like everything will be ruined with just one kiss...not because it's bad but just because I'll keep wanting it. And I'm afraid it'll only be about the lust...  
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09:32pm 19/08/2004
mood: scared
I spoke to George last night on the phone for about an hour about how we can work through the fact that my parents don't trust me. I'm sure they think he's a good guy and all, I know that at first, before my mom even knew him, she thought he was taking advantage of the fact that I was 17 and he was older...but I never doubted him when it came to that though normally I probably would. Says alot about him.

IT's just that my mom is so used to what I usually do which is get a boyfriend, have him come over all the time to the basement where God only knows what happens, and then I break up with them a few months later. And I think my mom will think I'm like the little boy who cried wolf, I'll tell her more than once that I really like a guy but I'll never mean it, and the time I actually will, she'll never believe me. She has that idea of me stuck in her head and I dont know how to get rid of it, and I feel as though if I talk to her in my most sincere manner she'll never believe me.

He even wanted to talk to my parents and let them know how he really felt about me.

I really wish they'd understand that the thing I have going on with George isn't about that at all, it's about what we feel for each other and how much we actually like each other. I know it sounds cliche and corny, but I always knew George was hot and that never interested me, even though all my friends were telling me to go for it. The only time I knew I should go for it was after I talked to him for the first time.

That's how I knew something was going to happen.
Last night when we were talking he told me that he couldn't explain what he was feeling and he wanted to let me know something, and it scared me because I seriously thought he didn't want to get through this, but he instead let me know that we were going to have to work hard to make this work. And we both think it's totally worth it.
I'm seeing him tomorrow night...I know it'll be extra special this time.
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09:27pm 18/08/2004
  George came over again last night, we went out to dinner first though. I actually asked him why I hadn't been able to meet him earlier than this. Life would have been so much easier I think.

My mom got mad becasue he left at 1 on a weeknight, she just doesn't trust me with him. If only she knew how much our relationship wasn't about that, but i guess she's bound to worry, she's my mother after all.

I miss him
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09:50pm 15/08/2004
  I had a good day, you know one of those days where you go to sleep smiling cause it was just a happy day. I got fries from McDonald's with my sister and we went to go eat them in a park, it was nice, we watched the boats on the lake and we just ate our fries.

Tonight I went out for dinner with Co and Renee. It was so good to be us three again, that's what made me happy. And it makes me feel so good when I hear Renee talk about Hovig, she's so in love with him and I just hope that one day I can feel that way about someone. For now though I'm just so happy with George, talking about him tonight made me miss him a lot.I miss him right now, he called me tonight and told me how some guy tried to punch him, I'm just glad he's ok.

That's all I want, for him to be okay and for us to be together and happy, I'd like that a lot.
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